PUNS & GROANERS




The young novice nun soon realised that the absence of sex in the convent was a problem. She confessed to Mother Superior that it was unhealthy and she was restless.

"Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised.

"I've tried that," she said, "but you get tired of the same thing wick in and wick out."
 

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.

"I know that smart-alec Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."

"Not Tex," said the second. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than any of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now!"

Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"


During WWII, an American Army Captain stationed in England met and fell in love with a British Lieutenant in the WRENS. After a whirlwind courtship, they became engaged and his fiancée wanted him to spend the weekend at her parents' home in the country so they could meet him.

When they arrived at a huge estate, a Rolls Royce was parked in front of a circular driveway with a staff of a dozen maids, butlers, gardeners, etc., standing at attention awaiting their arrival. It was obvious to the Yank that his fiancée was no ordinary Brit, but of the nobility. Her parents were absolutely taken by her choice of a husband and a delightful weekend was enjoyed by all.

When the Yank returned to his headquarters outside London, he went to the British liaison officer's office, explained what had happened, and asked what the proper protocol would be for him at the wedding.

"At the wedding, pretty much the same as your American weddings, I would say, but a bit more elaborate. The big difference would be after the wedding. You will both have connecting rooms in the Claridge. You will both go to your separate rooms, where you will bathe, apply cologne, put on your pyjamas and robe, and go to the door connecting your two rooms. You will rap on the door. She will answer, 'yes,' and you will say, 'I offer you my honour.' She will respond, 'I honour your offer.' That is your permission to enter her room. After that, it's honour and offer all night."


Miguel Rodriquez long suffered from insomnia.

It was a rare night that he slept more than an hour. He had consulted numerous physicians in Mexico and the United States but none had been able to help him. Even the strongest sedatives could not give him a restful night of sleep.

One day, Miguel met and fell in love with a beautiful senorita named Esta Gonzales.

Now when he wants to sleep he just looks at her picture.

Miguel has known from his childhood that WHEN YOU SEE ESTA, YOU SLEEP.


This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.

A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis.

The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for. He looks up and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"

"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"

"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."


Man goes to his GP with a peanut stuck in his left ear.

"What can I do to get it out?" he asks pathetically.

"Pour warm chocolate in the right ear and tilt your head," replies the Doc.

"How the bloody hell will that help?"

"Easy," replies the Doc. "When the chocolate cools it should come out a Treat..."


Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent?

He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.


There was this troupe of dancers that travelled around the country dancing in clubs and theatres. They were called the Steppers.

At one club, the Steppers did such a good job of pulling in patrons that the management gave them all the drinks they could drink after the show.

Well, they all got plastered and were having a big party. When it came time to get on their bus to travel to the next town, they did not want to stop partying, so they just moved the party to the bus. As they rode down the highway, you could here their yelling, singing, and laughing for miles.

At a house along that very highway, there lived a family that had a pet snake. It was a viper, and it's name was Peter.

That night, Peter Viper was asleep in his snake house in the back yard. Suddenly, he was awakened by a loud racket. It was the bus carrying the Steppers still having their party.

But Peter didn't know that. In his confusion, he thought he was back in deep dark Africa being pursued by Pygmies. He slithered out of his snake house, headed across the yard as fast as he could, and crossed the highway just in front of the bus.

The bus driver, who was a little sleepy, saw Peter Viper in the road, and mistook him for a giant log. He swerved, and the bus landed in the ditch, drunk Steppers lying everywhere.

The next day, the headline in the paper read: "Peter Viper wrecks a truck of pickled Steppers."


I was driving my car down a side street the other day when all of a sudden this cat jumped out in front of me. I hit the brakes, but I heard a thump, so I stopped. There was the cat lying right in the road. It was still alive, but I apparently had run over its tail and the force of the tire had cut it off.

A lady came running out of a house screaming, "You killed my cat!!"

I told her, "No, he's OK., except for the tail, and I'll fix that."

I went into the trunk of my car and got out a roll of duct tape and taped the cat's tail back on.

The lady immediately blushed and called the cops. A cop showed up and immediately gave me a ticket.

Boy, was I pissed off. I had to go to court, and was convicted. What a bummer. All for retailing pussy in a residential area.


Most people don't know that in 1912, Hellman's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico that was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The people of Mexico eagerly awaited the first delivery and were very upset at the news of the sinking. They were so upset that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.

The Holiday is known, of course, as: Sinko de Mayo.


There is a town in Illinois named Beecher. The local butcher shop is called Beecher Meat.

There is also a tool and die company in Beecher. It is named Beecher Tool and Die.


Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose jobs were to fertilize the eggs.

Zeb kept records, and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot, and was replaced. That took an awful lot of time, so Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb's favourite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was too, only his bell had not rung all morning! Zeb went to investigate.

Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! BUT, Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation!!

The judges not only awarded him...

THE NO BELL PIECE PRIZE, but also...

THE PULLET SURPRISE!!!


A friend of mine, not being able to decide between reed and stringed instruments, recently purchased an alto saxophone and a couple of fiddles. He lives in a small apartment and doesn't really have a good place to keep them so he built a rack that fits over the television set. His wife, however, won't let him keep them there.

She says that there's already too much sax and violins on TV.....


Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home. A local man was murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives found him face down in the bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and cornflakes, and a banana was sticking out of his ass.

Police suspect a cereal killer.


Dicky Cory, rich as sin,
Made his fortune out of poultry-raising,
Could find no maiden to give in,
Went around with all his passions blazing,
Thought his life a total blight,
Looked on his chicken coops and sadly said,
"No girls for me!"-and, late that night,
Went home and put a pullet through his bed.

(By Frederik Pohl based on a poem by Edwin Arlington Robinson)


A member of the high school science club learned hypnosis, and wanted to share his knowledge, so he taught another member, and she taught another, and so on.

This became know as trancing geek to geek.


This man came up to me and said, "How would you like to be a vampire's breakfast?"

I said, "What's a vampire's breakfast?"

He said, "'Ready neck."


Count Dracula is on the pull in London. He spends the night drinking Bloody Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks.  He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle street sometime before sunrise. Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What's going on here.

A few yards further on and ... BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again!

He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!!

A few yards further along the street and .... crash. Smacked on the back of the head again!!

He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night.  Nothing.

He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle. On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, "Who are you?"

She replies : "Buffet, the vampire slayer."


The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women.

It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra."

It rounds them up and points them in the right direction....


It was down in the depths of the sea, and the little fish were talking about a great monster fish who was eating them all. One said, "The trouble is we can't get away from him because he's got this engine, and he roars along at eighty miles an hour."

The other said, "Yes that's right. He's a motorpike."


What is life like under the sea?

Is it a dogfish eat dogfish world?
Is everyone united for a common porpoise?
Or do they all split off in their own special groupers?
Well, one tragic story indicates it's not so perfect down there.

There was once a brilliant sturgeon on the staff of the community health fishility. He was in fact one of it's flounders. Wiser than salmon, a fin fellow who would never shrimp from his responsibilities, he was successful and happy and always whistled a happy tuna.

One day one of his patients, a mere whipper snapper, started trouting around telling everyone the sturgeon's treatments had made him more eel than he had been and the conked him with a malpractice suit.

Well, the sturgeon was in a real pickeral. The board chased him off the staff and demanded his oyster. But fortunately the case smelt to high heaven so the judge denied the plaintiff's clam.

The board tried to hire the sturgeon back but by then he had hit the bottlenose pretty hard. But what's really shad about the story is that the sturgeon ended up on squid-row...


What did one ovary say to the other one?

"Did you order any furniture?"

"No. Why?" asked the other.

"Cause there's two nuts out there trying to deliver an organ."


"Terrible day," said the Great Dane as he complained to his master. "Work was bad, but then I got on the bus and it was completely packed with small dogs."

"Well," replied the master, "that's what you get for riding during peke hours."


A man escaped from an asylum for the insane and raped a woman.

The next day the headlines read:
"Nut Bolts and Screws".


Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet.  As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet.  Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in.

Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."




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