LIMERICKS




A certain young lady named Rowell
Had a musical vent to her bowel.
     With a good plate of beans
     Tucked under her jeans,
She could play "To a Wild Rose" by MacDowell.

There once was a Duchess of Bruges
Whose sex was incredibly huge.
     Said the King to this dame
     As he thunderously came,
"Mon Dieu! Après moi, le déluge!"

There was a young girl from Uganda,
Renowned for her coolness and candour.
     When, during abuse,
     Someone said, "You goose!"
She quickly retorted, "Uganda!"

An astronomer slept in the sun,
Then woke with his fly quite undone.
     He remarked, with a smile,
     "Hoorah! A sundial!
And it's now a quarter past one."

There was a young stud from Missouri
Who fucked with astonishing fury
     'Til taken to court
     For his vigorous sport,
And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.

A widow who lived in Rangoon
Hung a rather large wreath on her womb;
     "It reminds me," she said
     "Of my husband who's dead,
And how he got into his tomb."

A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexahedronical ball,
     And the cube of its weight
     Times his pecker, plus eight,
Was four fifths of five eighths of fuck-all.

There was a young fellow named Paul
Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
     But the size of my prick
     Is God's dirtiest trick,
For my girls always ask, "Is that all?"

A young wife without memorandum,
Made appointments completely at random
     Since if two dates got mixed
     It was easily fixed
By letting them screw her in tandem

There was once a choleric Colonel
Whose oaths were obscene and infolonel.
     As the chaplain aghast,
     Gave up protest at last,
But wrote it all down in his jolonel.

There was a young fellow called Runyon
Whose penis developed a bunion.
     With every erection,
     This painful infection,
Gave off a strong odour of onion.

"It's my code," says a mailman named Drew,
"To unzip, then deliver a screw.
     If virgins, when nervous,
     Resist postal service,
I explain that the male must get through."

A transvestite from Lyford-By-Tyme
Who was in court for a horrific crime,
     Said, "Your honour, oh no!
     It cannot be so,
For I was a broad at the time."

There was a young lady of Bicester,
She was nicer by far than her sister;
     The sister would giggle,
     And wiggle and jiggle,
But this one would come if you kissed her.

There was a Nabob of Madras
Whose balls were constructed of brass.
     When jostled together
     They played 'Stormy Weather',
And lightening shot out of his arse.

Said the Duchess of Chester at tea,
"Young man, do you fart when you pee?"
     I replied with some wit,
     "Do you belch when you shit?"
I think that was one up to me.

There was a young lady of Wilde
Who kept herself quite undefiled
     By thinking of Jesus,
     Contagious diseases,
And the bother of having a child.

There was a young girl whose frigidity
Approached cataleptic rigidity,
     Till you gave her a drink,
     When she quickly would sink
In a state of complaisant liquidity.

A maestro directing in Rome
Had a quaint way of driving it home.
     Whoever he climbed
     Had to keep her tail timed
To the beat of his old metronome.

The tool of a fellow called Randall
Shot sparks like a fine Roman candle.
     His glorious stand
     Produced colours quite grand,
But the girls found him too hot to handle.

A certain young man of Kirkham
Took inordinate pride in his bum.
     What was surely unique
     Was the fact that each cheek
Was tattooed with the face of his mum.

There was a young fella name Simon
Who tried to discover a hymen,
     But he found every girl
     Had relinquished her pearl
In exchange for a solitaire diamond.

She demanded I gave her affection,
Then opened her thighs for inspection;
     I found her quite nice
     'Til I noticed the lice,
And immediately lost my erection.

There was a young man of Devizes
With bollocks of two different sizes
     One was so small
     'Twas no good at all
And the other so large it won prizes.

There was a young fellow named Gluck
Who found himself shit out of luck.
     Though he petted and wooed,
     When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don't give a fuck.

A certain young person of Ghent,
Uncertain if lady or gent,
     Shows his organs at large,
     For a small handling charge,
To assist him in paying the rent.

Said an ovum one night to a sperm,
"You're a very attractive young germ.
     Come join me my sweet,
     Let our nuclei meet,
And in nine months we'll both come to term."

Old nymphomaniacal Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
     They found her vagina
     In South Carolina,
And her arsehole in Buckingham Palace.

Sighed a dear little shipboard divinity:
"In a deckchair I lost my virginity.
     I was looking to leeward,
     When along came a steward,
And undid my belief in the Trinity."
~ Conrad Aiken ~

A couple from old Aberystwyth,
United the organs they kissed with;
     They enjoyed this sweet sharing,
     And did nothing more daring,
And she said, "You're a right one to tryst with."
~ Stuart Woods ~

Said a pupil of Einstein: "It's rotten
To find I'd completely forgotten
     That by living so fast
     All my future's my past,
And I'm buried before I'm begotten."
~ C.F. Best ~

A tutor who tooted a flute
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
     Said the two to the tutor:
     "Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?"
~ Carolyn Wells ~

I once had a cat called Maria
Who sang like the Huddersfield Choir.
     You could easily know
     She was out with a beau,
For it sounded like Handel's 'Messiah'.
~ Paul Griffin ~

A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny:
     "A canner can can
     Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?"
~ Attrib to James H Hubbard,
also credited to Carolyn Wells ~

There was a young fellow called Bliss,
Whose sex-life was sadly amiss.
     For even with Venus,
     His recalcitrant penis
Would never do better than T
                                             H
                                          I
                                       S
  There was a young fellow named Fisher
Who was fishing for fish in a fissure;
     Then a cod, with a grin,
     Pulled the fisherman in...
Now they're searching the fissure for Fisher.

"I'll admit," said a lady called Barr,
"That a penis is like a cigar;
     But, in general, to people
     A phallic church steeple
Is stretching the subject too far."

There was a young girl named O'Malley
Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
     She got roars of applause
     When she kicked off her drawers
But her hair and her bush didn't tally.

A Salvation lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
     As she climbed into bed
     She reverently said,
"I wish to be opened with prayer."

A lascivious fellow called Lees
Loved to give his poor cock a long squeeze.
     This continual friction
     Made real sex a mere fiction,
But the callous hung down to his knees.

There was a young maid from Aberystwyth,
Who took grain to the mill to make grist with.
     The miller's son, Jack,
     Threw her flat on her back,
And united the organs they pissed with.

A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
     And they argued all night
     Over who had the right
To do what, and with whom, and to whom.

There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose prick was so long he could suck it,
     One day, in a glass,
     He saw the hole of his arse,
And then broke his neck trying to fuck it.

A soi-disant Mynheer Professor
Met a beat-up old whore from Odessa.
     She applied all her arts
     To his genital parts,
But they only grew lesser and lesser.

A chap they all call Aloysius,
Of his wife and a guy grew syspysius.
     And quicker than you'd think
     He found them by the sink
But they were only doing the dysius.

There was a young lady of Brussels
Who was proud of her vagina muscles.
     She could easily plex them
     And so interflex them
As to whistle love songs through her bustles.

A weary old lecher named Blott
Took a luscious young blonde on his yacht.
     Too lazy to rape her,
     He made darts out of paper,
Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.

A lady with feathers cherubic,
Was famed for her area pubic.
     When they asked her its size,
     She replied in surprise,
"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"

There was a young lady of Bude
Who walked down the street in the nude.
     A bobby said, "Whattum
     Magnificent bottom!"
And slapped it as hard as he could.

A bather whose clothing was strewed
By winds that left him quite nude,
     Saw a girl come along,
     And unless we are wrong
You expected this line to be lewd.

Mrs. Malaprop said to her brood
During dinner, "You're terribly rude
     For your manners are awful;
     Don't swallow that jawful
Without masturbating your food."

There was a young man of Connaught
Whose prick was remarkably short.
     When he got into bed
     The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick, it's a wart."

There was a young lady from China
Who mistook for her mouth her vagina.
     Her clitoris huge
     She covered with rouge
And lipsticked her labia minor.

There was a young man from the War Office
Who got into bed with a whore of his.
     She took off her drawers
     With many a pause,
But the chap from the War Office tore off his.

There was a young monk from Siberia
Whose morals were very inferior.
     He did to a nun
     What he shouldn't have done,
And now she's a Mother Superior.

There was a young man from the Coast
Who had an affair with a ghost.
     At the height of orgasm
     This she-ectoplasm
Said, "I think I can feel it - almost."

In summer she said she was fair,
In autumn her charms were still there.
     But he said to his wife
     In the winter of life,
"There's no spring in your old derriere."

A neurotic young man of Kildare
Drilled a hole in the seat of a chair.
     He fucked it all night,
     Then died of the fright
That maybe he wasn't "all there".

"I'll tell you," smiled prom chairman Mose,
"Why Peggy's the prom queen I chose:
     She's as cheerfully free
     As the wind on the sea -
And besides, like the wind, Peggy blows!"

A maiden at college named Breeze,
Weighed down by B.A.'s and Litt. D.'s,
     Collapsed from the strain.
     Alas, it was plain
She was killing herself by degrees.

There was a young laundress named Wrangle,
Whose breasts tilted up at an angle.
     "They may tickle my chin,"
     She said with a grin,
"But at least they keep out of the mangle."

A flea and a fly in a flue,
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
     Said the fly, "Let us flee!"
     "Let us fly!" said the flea,
And they flew through a flaw in the flue.

Is it really so very unthinkable
That Rodin's "The Thinker" is linkable
     To the desperately cool
     Meditation at stool,
When one knows that one's passed an unsinkable?
~ Basil Ransome-Davies ~

A platinum blonde, Goldilocks
Who kept a ménage near the docks,
     Had it off with three bears
     Near Wapping Old Stairs,
And infected them all with the pox.
~ Fiona Pitt-Kethley ~

There was a young fellow called Shit
A name he disliked quite a bit;
     So he changed it to Shite -
     A step in the right
Direction, one has to admit.
~ Victor Gray ~

Victoria said, "We've no quarrel
With Shakespeare, but this is immoral!
     His Measure for Measure
     Incurs our displeasure;
We don't do such things at Balmoral."
 ~ Frank Richards ~

I'm in love with a girl from Uttoxeter,
An exquisite and passionate cock-sitter;
     With her prehensile hole,
      She envelopes my pole,
And then squirms up and down as my rocks hit her.
~ Gerard Benson ~

Prince Charles in his Welsh principality
Formed a violent left-wing solidarity;
     When asked why this was
     He replied, "It's because
I am sick of the family mentality."
~ Bernard Levin ~

There once was a lady named Miller,
     And a similar one called Miss Dors,
Each renowned as a brassiere filler,
     They seemed to defy Nature's laws.
     For the actress a "must"
     Is an oversized bust.
     You may think it's just
     An enticement to lust,
But with it her fate's to go sweeping the States,
     When without she makes more sweeping floors.
~ Austin Baker ~



 



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