JOKES 5

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Bill and Mary were married for 50 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding. They were discussing the details with their friends. Mary wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear.

One of her friends asked what colour shoes she had to go with the dress.

Mary replied, "Silver."

At that point, Bill chimed in, "Yep silver - to match her hair."

Shooting a glaring look at Bill's bald spot, Mary's friend sweetly said, "So Bill, I guess you are going barefoot."


This beautiful young blonde walks into the health clinic and begins to talk to the nurse. "Excuse me, ma'am, is this where I can get a vassilation?"

"I think you mean you need a vaccination," said the nurse.

"Yeah, whatever. Just don't give it to me on my arm because I wear a sleepless nightgown."

"You mean a sleeveless nightgown?"

"Yeah, whatever. And don't give it to me on my thigh because I have a zucchini bathing suit."

"You mean a bikini?"

"Yeah, ok. And don't give it to me on my virginia."

"You mean your vagina?"

"All right!!" shouts the girl. "Virginia, vagina, just as long as I don't get small cox!!!!"


"Doctor, you have been a really good psychiatrist. You managed to cure my addiction to gambling. How much do I owe you?"

"800."

"Double or quits?"


Greetings Earthling .....

I am a silicon based life form from a galaxy far, far away, and I'm briefly visiting your P.C.

I have transformed myself into this email.

As you are reading it, I am having sex with your eyeballs.

I especially enjoy it when you scroll down on me.

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Oh God, that feels good!

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That's it . ... . keep scrolling.

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Don't stop!

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Click it baby, click it!

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Faster......

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Faster........

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more... ooohh... yeahh.......

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harder.......

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give it to me , just like I like it........

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Faster........

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F A S T E R !!!!!!

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That was amazing!

You are the best I've had yet.

And I know you enjoyed it too because you are smiling.

Do you know how I know that you're smiling?

Because I can see you.

Now please pass me on to someone else because I'm really horny.


Mrs. O'Malley arrived in Boston from Ireland, and in no time at all her bean soup made her the talk of New England society. At a party celebrating the sale of her recipe to a fancy Charles Street restaurant, an old matron approached Mrs. O'Malley and said, "My dear girl, what is the secret of your soup?"

Mrs. O'Malley said, "The secret o' me soup is that I use but two-hundred thirty-nine beans to make it."

The woman said, "Why only two-hundred thirty-nine?"

Mrs. O'Malley said, "Because one more would make it too farty."


A Southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."


"My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor..."

"What have you been eating?"

"I only eat pool balls."

"Pool balls? Maybe that's the trouble. What kind do you eat?"

"All kinds. Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue ones for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner."

"I see the problem," said the doctor. "You haven't been getting any greens!"


Arriving for her artificial insemination, Mrs. Aldiss was surprised when the attendant locked the door behind them and began taking off his clothes.

"And just what do you think you're doing?" she demanded.

"Sorry," said the young man, "but we're all out of the bottled stuff. I've got to give you draft."


One day little Janine came home crying from the doctor's office. Her mother asked what had happened.

"I had to take a blood test," Janine said.

"Oh, did the needle hurt your finger?" her mother asked.

"It's not that, I did rubbish at the test."

"How could you do rubbish at a blood test?" her mother asked.

"Well, Rosie got an A+, Mary got a B-, and I got a 0!"


One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me.

I am content in all ways," said the nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."


A man took a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they went on to a show. The evening was a huge success and as he dropped her at her door he said, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"

She agreed and a date was made. The next night he knocked on her door and when she opened it, she slapped him hard across the face. He was stunned.

"What was that for?" he asked.

She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said, 'Not well suited to bedding, but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'."


A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic fart. Trying to save face, she says to the waiter, "Sir! Please stop that immediately."

"Certainly, Madame," replies the waiter with a bow. "Which way was it headed?"


Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'...slip in to the old bag.

Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up while not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.


A UK publication recently invited readers to create a new meaning for well-known expressions, by adding a single letter. These were some of the offerings.

1. Cult de sac: a dying religion.

2. Joyeux nobel: international prize for happiness.

3. Vein ordinaire: not of royal blood.

4. Nail desperandum: breaking a fingernail just before the wedding.

5. Bad lib: something you regret saying on the spur of the moment.

6. Embarras de brichesses: unzipped.

7. Pad nauseam: homesick.

8. Diminnuendo: a vague insinuation.


In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches... I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more.

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water...

The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish...
The hunter shoots the bear...
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse...
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is....

Whenever a fly goes down three inches...
Some pussy is probably in danger.


It was a particularly horrific crime and the judge could not refrain from saying so to the defendant.

As the defendant was brought before him for arraignment, the judge said, "You are charged with throwing your mother-in-law out of your fourth-story window."

The defendant responded, "I did it without thinking, your Honour."

The judge scolded, "That's no excuse! Don't you see how dangerous it might have been! What if someone was passing underneath at the time?"


Man Is Like An Automobile

~ As it gets older, the differential starts slopping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad.

~ The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. Overdrive is out of the question!

~ The cylinders get worn and lost compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top.

~ The carburettor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. His gas fumes can kill ya!

~ It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. His frame has a big bow in the middle too. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging.

~ His shifter is stuck in the down position which is the 'low position' and ya can't get anywhere that way.

~ But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.


Forrest Gump is wrong...

Life is NOT like a box of chocolates!

It's like a jar of jalapenos. Because you never know when it's going to burn your ass.


A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts.

"Say, what's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.

"It's Snow ... Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"

"Me, I'm June ... June Hansen," she said.

After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?"

"Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered, "... having eight inches of Snow in June?"




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