A dwarf was walking past a chemist's shop saw a mega
gigantic condom protruding from above the shop's entrance.
"Aha!" he thought and he strode inside and asked the pharmacist,
"How much is that huge condom outside?"
"Uh... It's not for sale," said the pharmacist, somewhat
"Oh... Please, I really want it! I'll give you £20 for it!"
said the dwarf as he started to pull some cash out of his pocket.
"Look, I told you, it's not for sale," repeated the pharmacist,
now quite perplexed.
"Okay, I give you £50 for it!" begged the dwarf, pulling out
some more cash.
"Don't you understand? It's an ADVERTISEMENT. It's NOT for
"£100?" bribed the dwarf, desperate to have the out-sized
By now the pharmacist was bemused, "All right then," he sighed.
"I'll get a ladder and I'll go and take it down for you."
The dwarf paid his £100. He then took the condom, rolled it over
his head and smoothed it down all over his body, right down to his toes,
like a woman does with her stockings. He then turned to the pharmacist and
excitedly asked, "So? What do I look like then?"
The pharmacist couldn't contain himself. "Like a bloody great big
prick!" he laughed.
"Thank God for that!" The dwarf was obviously relieved. "I
am so fed up being called a little c**t!"
A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott
in June 1849.
Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott
Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott.
It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that
the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot
Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott.
Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not. Butt do I
The abolition of Euro trade barriers in 1996 meant that
all cars will now be of German origin.
To this end the following list of German motoring phrases:
1) Die BlinkenLeiten Tickentocken = Signal Indicators
2) Pullknob und KnuckleChoppen = Auto Hood (Bonnet)
3) Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben = Exhaust
4) Das Kulink mit Schlippenundshaken = Clutch
5) Der Phlatt mit Bloody fukken = Puncture
6) Der Twatten mit Elplatz = Learner driver
7) Das Bagsaroomfurshagginkin = Estate car
8) Der Flippenflappenschitspreader = Windshield wipers
9) Der Klunkenklinkenfrauleinstrappen = Seat belt
10) Das Buch fur Aresewipen = Highway code
11) Die Dippenuntdazzel Eiblinden = Headlights
12) Der Pedalpuschinpilloken = Cyclist
13) Der Fukkengratentrucken = Truck
14) Der Bananwaltzen = Skid
15) Dast Fukkennearenschitzenselfen = Near accident
Three little piggies went out to dinner one night. The
waiter came and took their orders for drinks.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggie.
"I would like a glass of Coke," said the second little piggie.
"I want lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.
The drinks were brought out and a little later, the waiter took their
orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggie.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggie.
"I want lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the
table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggie.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggie.
"I want lots and lots of water!" exclaimed the third little
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'"
replied the third little piggie.
Two newly ordained nuns decided to take a day out. They
went to London Zoo and were enjoying themselves, wandering around and
looking at all the animals, and then they came upon the cage housing the
As one of the nuns leaned forward to observe the gorillas more closely,
the biggest of the gorillas took one look at this beautiful young nun,
leapt forward, bent open the bars, grabbed her, dragged her into the cage
and disappeared into the back of his cavern with her.
When the gorilla was finished with her, he came out of his cavern and
ceremoniously thumped on his massive chest. In the meantime, the nun
managed to crawl and drag herself back out of the cage, and fell into the
arms of the other nun. She was completely dishevelled, her hair was a
mess, her clothes all dusty and askew, her tights were laddered and torn.
She pulled herself together, straightened her dress and tidied herself up.
She then turned to her friend and said, "Promise me one thing. Never,
ever, mention this - or even ask me what happened. Ever ever again!
The other nun agreed, and they made their way back to the convent.
The years passed. The two nuns remained loyal friends and never talked
about that day again.
Many many years later, in their convent, the nun lay dying.
At her bedside, the other nun, still her ever loyal friend, comforted
her. Hesitantly, she finally said, "I know I promised to never ever talk
about that incident at the zoo all those years ago... But, my dear,
please... it won't go any further... I promise... I truly do! I've
always wondered.... Can I ask you something?"
The dying nun nodded.
"Whatever was it that actually happened in the back of that cage between
you and that gorilla...?" She hesitated again, then stammered, "That...
That gorilla... Did... did he... did he hurt you?"
The other nun slowly turned and looked at her, a tear trickled from her
eye, "Did he hurt me?!" She looked away and paused to take a breath.
The other nun patiently waited for her friend to finish.
"Oh, did he hurt me... He never wrote... He never called... He never even
(Thanks for your work on this one, Witty Sis'!)
A young American girl, on her very first trip to Paris, decided to test
the French male's fabled expertise in the art of love-making.
On her first date, she asked him what exactly he intended to do with her.
"First," he replied, "I weel remove ze dress. Zen, I will
carry you to ze bed. And zen," he added triumphantly, "I will
kiss ze navel."
"Big deal !!!" she said. "I've had my navel kissed before
hundreds of times."
"Ahhhhh, but of course!" shrugged the Frenchman. "But...
from ze inside?"
A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few
acres of swamp land below the flood plane in Mississippi.
Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so
naturally I built it on my new land.
Last week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and move
down there for good.
And just last night, as sat on my new porch watching the rain and
listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.
(Think about it...)
An Army Sergeant Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam
and says, "My name is Sergeant Major Dick and I'm here for a
The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best call girl
they have for him.
Sergeant Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on
his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed.
He then says, "My name is Sergeant Major Dick, been in the Army
thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body. DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!!"
Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect.
The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that.
The Sgt. Major replies, "Like I said, been in the Army thirty years,
and I'm a master of my mind and body. DICK, AT EASE!!"
His penis goes immediately limp.
The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for
The Sgt. Major says, "I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!!"
(A raging hard-on once again).
He follows this display of prowess with the command of "DICK,
AT EASE!!" (His penis goes limp once again).
The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration
one more time.
The Sgt. Major shouts, "I've already told you darling, I've been in
the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body. DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!!"
His penis becomes immediately erect. He then gives the following command,
"DICK, AT EASE!!"
The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his absolute horror, his penis is still
rock hard. He says, "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier: DICK, AT
Once again his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming,
and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE!!"
No luck, his penis is still rock hard. He yells, "Goddammit!!"
and moves to the side of the bed and starts to vigorously play with
The prostitute asks, "What the hell is going on?"
The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order--and
I'm giving him a dishonourable discharge!!"
Two gentlemen, both hard of hearing and strangers to each other,
were about to ride the London Underground.
One of them, peering at the station they were entering, said, "Pardon
me,sir, but is this Wembley?"
"No," said the other, "Thursday."
"No, thank you," said the first. "I've already had my little drink."
Marriage is a gamble.
You start with a pair.
He shows a diamond. She shows a heart.
Her father has a club. His father has a spade.
There's usually a joker around somewhere, but after a while he becomes a
king and she becomes a queen.
Then they end up with a full house.
Girl & her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to
buy a round, she tells him that she's heard of a wonderful new drink he
simply must try.
She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she
has two glasses. One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.
Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the
Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."
He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to
give it a go. First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in
Then he takes the lime juice.
T + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.
T + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the colour of fresh lime juice.
T + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the gunge.
T + 1.5 secs: She whispers in his ear, "Blowjob revenge!"
The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their
ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators
and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for
their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one
problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in
the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied
a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was
attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she
notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,
medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top
shelf along the wall.
The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have
a collection of teddy bears especially one that's so extensive, but she
decides not to mention this to him. She turns to him... they
kiss...and then they rip each others clothes off and make love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the
afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was
The bloke says: "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf".
There was this guy who was lonely, and decided life would be more
fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that
he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought
a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a
He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's
and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes, then asked him
again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
Again, there was no answer from his new pet.
He waited a few minutes more, then decided to ask him one more time;
this time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,
"HEY, IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK'S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK
A little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm
putting on my shoes!"