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Diary following our 25th Wedding Anniversary.

# Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.
When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

# Day 2 Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent he says and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

# Day 3 This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Something must change soon.

# Day 4 A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

# Day 5 What absolute bliss!!.

# Day 6 Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

# Day 7 This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

# Day 8 I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore.

# Day 9 No time to write. He might catch me.

# Day 10 Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over...

# Day 11 I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

# Day 12 I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

# Day 13 Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry"
thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

# Day 14 I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

# Day 15 I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on.
The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more.
Last night I told him to go screw himself and he did.

# Day 16 The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

# Day 17 Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Egad!
Here he comes again!

# Day 18 Aaaahhhh! He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!


For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions.

"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being... a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute property; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows..."

To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement. She replied, "I think its a great idea... I would love to help you choose your pet dog."


A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.

The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies, "Autumn."


Three little boys were out playing but the other kids wouldn't play with them because they weren't baptized. So the boys go into a church and all they can find is the janitor. The janitor agrees to baptize them, so he dunks each one it the toilet.  As the boys were leaving the church the one says, what religion are we now?

I know we isn't Catlick because they sprinkle water over you.

The second said, we isn't Baptist because they dunk you in the river.

The third boy says, I know what we is, I smelled that water and we is Piss-capalian.


Lesson in Worms

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.


The Prodigal Son (In the Key of 'F')

Feeling footloose and frisky, a feather-brained fellow forced his fond father to fork over the farthings and flew to foreign fields and frittered his fortune, feasting fabulously with faithless friends.

Fleeced by his fellows in flooy, and facing famine, he found himself a feed-flinger in a filthy farmyard. Fairly famishing, he fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from fodder fragments.

"Fooey! My father's flunkies fare finer," the frazzled fugitive forlornly fumbled, frankly facing facts. Frustrated by failure and filled with foreboding, he fled forthwith to his family. Falling at his father's feet, he forlornly fumbled, "Father, I've flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favour!"

The farsighted father, forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged the flunkies to fetch a fatling from the flock and fix a feast.

The fugitive's fault-finding brother frowned on fickle forgiveness of former folderol. But the faithful father figured, "Filial fidelity is fine, but the fugitive is found! What forbids fervent festivity? Let flags be unfurled. Let fanfares flare"

And the father's forgiveness formed the foundation for the former fugitive's future faith and fortitude.


A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear hot skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf.

The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she's tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!!!

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"

"No," croaks the old man, "but it's startin' to twitch."


Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years.

"So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked.

"Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dock into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust."

"Damn, that sounds terrible..." Ed said. "What business were you in?"

"I sell good luck charms," said Ted.


ORGASM TYPES

 Sex in a boat = Oargasms
 Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
 Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
 Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
 Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
 Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
 Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
 Sex with a prostitute = Whoregasms
 Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
 Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
 Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
 Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
 Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
 Sex while broke = Poorgasms
 Sex with a lion = Roargasms
 Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
 Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
 Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
 Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
 Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
 Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms
 Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms
 Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
 Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
 Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
 Sex when you get an award = Honogasms
 Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
 Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
 Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
 Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
 Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
 Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
 Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms
 Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
 Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
 Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
 Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
 Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
 Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
 Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms
 Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
 Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
 Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
 Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
 Sex while flying = Soargasms
 Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
 Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms
 Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
 Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
 Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
 Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
 Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
 Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
 Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
 Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
 Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
 Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
 Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
 Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
 Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
 Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
 Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
 Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
 Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
 Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
 Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
 Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
 Sex without a climax = Nogasms


This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you."

"OK, you're hired. Here's your kit, go sell!"

The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you."

"OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"

The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi -
Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!"

"No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for me!"

The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!"

As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!"

At the end of the day, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today."

The second reports, "I sold 11 Bibles today."

The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!"

"Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell a lot more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!"

At the end of the second day, the first worker comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 21 Bibles."

The second worker reports, "I sold 29 Bibles today."

The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles."

"Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is."

Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to READ it to 'em?"


Phil wanted a new birth control method and his doctor suggested a vasectomy.
Phil agreed and the doctor said he could perform the operation in his office.

At a crucial moment during the procedure, one of Phil's testicles fell to the floor, and the nurse, who was wearing high heels, accidentally stepped on it and crushed it. The doctor noticed a jar of pickled onions on his nurse's desk and realized it was the right size and weight, so he placed it in Phil's scrotum and completed the operation.

A few months later, Phil returned for a check up. When the doctor asked how things were going, Phil replied. "Pretty good, Doc. At least my wife's not pregnant, but there are some strange side effects. Every time we make love, my wife gets heartburn; when I pee my eyes water; and whenever I pass a hamburger stand, I have an erection."


Over near England is a very little island, called the Isle of Man, and a very peculiar thing about the people, on this island is, that they don't believe in automobiles, and the climate is such that they can't keep horses so they all have a donkey or what is commonly called an ass.

Some have just ordinary asses that you wouldn't look at twice, others have extraordinary asses.

The mayor has an ass that nobody looks at twice, but his wife has a beautiful ass. People who really know asses say that she has one of the finest asses that they have ever seen. Men often stop her on the way to the market to pat her ass.

On Sunday they all go to church on their asses. Sometimes the girls ride the boys asses and sometimes the boys ride the girls asses.

Now of this particular Sunday the preacher had to leave immediately following the sermon so he thought he better have it handy, so he tied his ass just outside the window. During the service a fire broke our and everyone ran to save his ass. The preacher jumped out of the window expecting to land on his ass, but there was a big hole and he fell into it.

Which goes to show that even a preacher doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.


There once was a chicken and a cat on a boat.

The chicken was bored so he decided to make a bet with the cat, "Cat I will give you 5 dollars if you can jump from the boat to that dock over there."

The cat agreed and landed in the water.

The moral of this short story is....

A wet pussy makes a happy cock.


My neighbour's young son swallowed a quarter, a dime and a nickel. He was rushed to the hospital. The next day I asked my neighbour how his son was doing, and he replied, "No change yet".


Unlikely Marriages

If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.


Actual Answers From Music Students


The principal singer of nineteenth-century opera was called pre-Madonna.

It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.

Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.

Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

At one time singers had to use musicians to accompany them. Since synthesizers came along, singers can now play themselves.

All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.

Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

Diatonic is a low calorie Schweppes.

Probably the most marvellous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.

A harp is a nude piano.

The main trouble with a French Horn is that it is too tangled up.

An interval in music is the distance from one piano to the next.

The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.

Agitato is a state of mind when one's finger slips in the middle of playing a piece.

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing.

I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

My favourite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

Henry Purcell was a well-known composer few people have ever heard of.

Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.


Older brother, Joe, was giving advice to his younger brother, Kevin, on how to have sex with a girl. Joe didn't know how to explain it him without being too graphic. So he told him in terms of money because Joe knew money.

So in terms of directions Joe told Kevin, "You want to look at a girl's crotch like money. The top is a quarter, the left is a nickel, the right is a dollar, and the bottom is a dime."

So Kevin goes and thinks about this.

Kevin and his girlfriend finally decide to have sex, so he uses the advice his brother gave him. He starts out real slow, going, "Quarter.... Nickel.... Dime.... Dollar...." in his mind.

He goes a little faster, saying it in his mind faster, "Quarter.. Nickel.. Dime.. Dollar.."

He goes even faster saying, "Quarter. Nickel. Dime. Dollar," in his mind.

He is nearing orgasm and he starting screaming out loud, "Buck forty! Buck forty! Buck forty! Buck forty!"


And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"

And they replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed."

And Jesus replied, "What?"


A woman went to a doctor claiming she had three vaginas! The doctor examined her and sure enough, she DID have three vaginas. He'd never seen such a thing in all his years of medical practice.

He told her, "I'll stitch up two of them, but leave the middle one alone."

"Will that make me normal again?" she asked.

"Of course'" he said. "This way, you won't be screwed left, right and centre!"


A father gave his teenage daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for her birthday. An hour later, while wandering through the house, he found her looking at a puddle in the centre of the kitchen floor.

"My pup," she murmured proudly, "runneth over."


Today's Question... Should the USA Adopt The Metric System ?

Today's Stupid Opinion...

Absolutely NOT.  Just imagine having to re-write all of the dirty jokes about  Kama Sutra position # 69.  In a metric conversion ( 1:1.27 ) our time honoured sexual position would become ... 87.63.

Can you imagine whispering 87.63 into the ear of your sexual partner ?




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