JOKES 2

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As you know, the stock market has not been in the greatest shape lately. It seems that, because of current economic conditions, many companies are contemplating mergers and acquisitions.

Here are a few to keep an eye on:

1. XEROX and WURLITZER.
(They're going to make reproductive organs)

2. FAIRCHILD ELECTRONICS and HONEYWELL COMPUTERS.
(The new company will be called Fairwell Honeychild)

3. POLYGRAM RECORDS, WARNER BROTHERS and KEEBLER.
(The new company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker)

4. W.R.GRACE CO., FULLER BRUSH CO., MARY KAY COSMETICS, and HALE BUSINESS SYSTEMS.
(The new company will be called Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace)

5. 3M and GOODYEAR.
(The new company will be called MMM Good)

6. JOHN DEERE and ABITIBI-PRICE.
(The new company will be called Deere Abi)

7. HONEYWELL, IMASCO and HOME OIL.
(The new company will be called Honey, I'm Home)

8. DENISON MINES, ALLIANCE and METAL MINING.
(The new company will be called Mine All Mine)

9. GREY POUPON and DOCKERS PANTS.
(The new company will be called Poupon Pants)

10. KNOTT'S BERRY FARM and THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR WOMEN.
(The new company will be called Knott NOW)

11. ZIPPO MANUFACTURING, AUDI, DOFASCO and DAKOTA MINING.
(The new company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da)


Have you ever wondered how a software guy would propose?

Dear Ms. ABC,

Baby, I've seen you yesterday while surfing on local railway platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for.

For long time, I have been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is just an uncompiled program without you which never produces an executable code and hence is useless.

You are not only beautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well. Your smile is so delightful which encourages me and gives power to me equal to thousands of mainframes processing power.

When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules were running smoothly and giving expected results. /* which I never experienced before */.

With this letter, I just want to convey to you that, if we linked together, I'll provide you all objects & libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life.

Also don't bother about the firewall which may be created by our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately break their security passwords and make them agree for our marriage.

I anticipate that nobody is already Logged in to your database so that my connect script will fail.

And its all certain that if this happened to me, I will crash my system beyond recovery.

Kindly interpret this letter
Only yours,
Software Professional


This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But, what the heck, he says to himself, I really want a drink.

Shortly the gay waiter approaches, and says to the guy, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter replies, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine, for instance, is Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies."

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a minute to think it over.

The customer turns to the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "Timex."

The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right,who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "Ford, because Quality is Job 1."
Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and shouts, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me a beer!"

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The customer replies, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN."


Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.

"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."

"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

"The 'here after' routine? What's that?" she wanted to know.

"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."


An Irish girl finally got her fiancé to the altar two weeks before Easter.

On their wedding night, she put on a very short, sexy nightgown and crawled into bed. But her husband didn't respond.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"I... I can't make love," he answered. "It's Lent."

"Lent?" she shouted. "To whom and for how long?"


SONGS FROM THE HOSPITAL "HIT PARADE"

* I'll be Sewing You.

* Red Cells in the Sunset.

* It's Spleen a Long, Long Time.

* It Had to Be Flu.

* On the Bonny Banks of Glaucoma.

* Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney.

* The Staphs and Streps Forever.

* Old Man's Liver.

* I've Grown Accustomed to Her Brace.

* The Girl From Emphysema.

* MRI Blue?

* My Melancolicky Baby.


THE FIRST WORTHWHILE CHAIN LETTER This chain letter was developed by virile men in order to make their sex life even more fantastic. As opposed to normal chain letters, this one costs nothing, and you can only win.

Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your best friends who are just as virile as you.

Then anaesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list,and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, will be at least:

0.5 miss worlds
2.5 models
463 wild nymphos
3,234 good-looking nymphos
20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms
40,198 bi-sexual women In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he’d been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter.) While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion.
Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can screw her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate: send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

PS Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner.

PPS This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.

(Must dash, the post has just arrived.)


Do you know how many members of the Tate family belong to your church?

1. There is old man Dic-Tate who wants to run everything.
2. Uncle Ro-Tate tries to change everything.
3. Old lady Agi-Tate who stirs up plenty of trouble,
4. With help from her husband, Irri-Tate.
5. Whenever new projects are suggested, Hesi-Tate and
6. His wife, Vege-Tate, want to wait until next year.
7. Aunt Imi-Tate, who wants our church to be like all the others.
8. Devas-Tate provides the voice of doom.
9. Poten-Tate wants to be a big shot.

But not all members of the family are bad.
10.Brother Facili-Tate is quite helpful in church matters.
11.Sister Felici-Tate is a delightful, happy member of the family
12.Cousin Cogi-Tate and
13.Cousin Medi-Tate always think things over and lend helpful, steady hands.

And of course there is the black sheep of the family:
14. Ampu-Tate, has completely cut himself off from the church.

Do you know anyone in the "Tate" family?


Einstein's Other Theory:

The angle of the dangle decreases with the sag of the bag, and increases in proportion to the heat of the meat compared to the mass of the ass and the beauty of the cutie.


We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But you may have wondered, what if God decided to install voice mail?

Imagine praying and hearing this - "Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for requests.
Press 2 for thanksgiving.
Press 3 for complaints.
Press 4 for all other inquiries."

What if God used the familiar excuse, "I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. Your call will be answered in the order it was received."

Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call on God in prayer?

If you would like to speak to God, Press 1

For Jesus, Press 2

For the Holy Spirit, Press 3

For Gabriel, press 4

For Michael, press 5

For a directory of other angels, press 6

If you'd like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you're on hold, press 7

To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, Press 9, then enter his or her social security number, followed by the pound sign. (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.)

For reservations at My Father's House, press the letters J-O-H-N and then 3-1-6.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, and where Noah's ark is, please wait until you arrive here.

Our computers show that you have already called once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

This office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday, after 9:30 a.m

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.


After WW II, there was a crush of immigration from Europe to the USA. One Italian, Luigi, obtained passage on a steamer after months of waiting, and his entire village went down to the pier to see him off, telling him how lucky he was, going to live in the land of opportunity.

In six months, Luigi was back, disgusted and disappointed. His friends all told him, "Luigi, you crazy, why you come back?"

"Bah, America nothin' but SEX, SEX, and MORE sex!" Luigi griped... "All day long, Sex! In the news-papers, onna th' radio, inna the movies, onna the billboards, all you see is SEX. It'sa disgusting! Why, even the ship, it sail into New York, the band on the dock is'a playin', an' whadda you 'tink they play?"

"Yanka-my-Doodle, She's a Dandy!!!!!"


Becky the wife had a birthday coming and her husband Melvin wanted to know what she desired.

She said she'd like to have a big Jaguar.

He didn't think it was best for her.

But, she begged and begged until he gave in and got her a big one.

It ate her.


A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for travelling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time.
So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my dental assistant. She gave me VD..... So, I was Fred Dingaling , MD DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my 'dingaling' so now I'm just Fred."


A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage and requested, "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"

The marriage officer said, "Your requirements please."

"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."

The officer listened carefully and replied, "I understand. You need a television."


Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."

The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."

The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."


Thank heaven for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Miss Charlene Mason sang: "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus".

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing:
"Break Forth into Joy."

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s)
you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M..- prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."


There were these three ducks sitting in a pond.

A police officer, Officer Duckey, came by one day and saw them there.
He decided to arrest the ducks and take them to see the magistrate.

When in the courtroom, the magistrate called the first duck to the stand.
He said to the first duck, "What were you doing in the pond?"

The duck replied, "I was just blowing bubbles in the water."

The magistrate says, "Well, there isn't anything wrong with that. You may go."

Next he calls up duck number two. "What were you doing in the pond?"

Duck number two says the same as number one. "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond."

The magistrate says, "Nothing wrong with that. You may leave."

Finally he calls the third duck up to the stand. "What were you doing in the pond?"

The third duck gets a huge grin on his face and says, "I'm Bubbles."


The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.

"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.

"Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked.

"Certainly," he replied "Well, I'm the same age as they are," she snapped.

"As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.


I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g., "I have a customer in hard-ware who needs assistance at the paint counter."

One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message: "I have a customer by the balls in the toy department who needs assistance."




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