JEWISH JOKES 3

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A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Rosh Hashanah.

"Oh," the Catholic girl says. "That's the holiday when you light the eight candles, right?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Hanukah."

"Oh, right," the Catholic girl says. "Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when you eat the unleavened bread?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."

"See," the Catholic Girl says. "That's what I like about you Jews... you're so good to the hired help."


Q: What kind of cheese should one melt on a piece of matza to make a Passover pizza?

A: Matzarello, of course!


One day Hershele was travelling, and he stopped for the night at an inn. The place was deserted: there were no other guests, and even the innkeeper was away, leaving his wife in charge.

"I'm dying of hunger," Hershele told her. "Please give me something to eat."

The innkeeper's wife took a good look at her guest, and she didn't like what she saw. Hershele was unkempt, his coat was torn, and he looked altogether unsavoury.

This fellow will never be able to pay the bill, she thought. "I'm sorry, sir," she said to Hershele, "but we're all out of food tonight."

Hershele shook his head and said nothing. Then he looked straight ahead and said to the woman, "In that case, I'm going to have to do what my father did."

Immediately the woman grew frightened. "What did your father do?" she asked.

"My father," Hershele replied, "did what he had to do."

Hearing this, the woman grew even more frightened. Who knew what kind of father this mad had? And she alone in the house! Perhaps his father was a thief, murderer, or worse.

"Just a minute, sir," she said, and soon returned with a full plate of chicken, kishke, fish, and black bread.

Hershele devoured it all, as the woman looked on in amazement. When he finished, he told her, "Lady, that was a wonderful meal, the best I've tasted since last Passover."

Seeing that her guest was finally relaxed and satisfied, the innkeeper's wife dared to ask the question that had been burning in her all evening.

"Good sir," she said, "please tell me, what was it that your father did?"

"My father?" said Hershele. "Oh yes, my father. You see, whenever my father couldn't get anything to eat -- he went to bed hungry."


Shmulik, who was a religious Jew as well as a financial genius, left Brooklyn for a job as CFO of a well-known brokerage in Utah (which is known as the Mormon state).

The pressure on the company president from the directors was immense: "We can't have a Jew running the business - we're religious people here," they said.

The president took Shmulik aside for a pep-talk and explained unequivocally that he would have to convert if he wanted to hold on to his honourable (not to mention 6-figure-earning) position. Shmulik had no choice. However difficult it might be to convert, it was less easy than losing this great job. He went home and told his wife, "It's simple. From Sunday we'll be going to church with the kids."

So passed a good few months, but his wife wouldn't stop nagging him, saying, "It's so difficult for me, I miss Shabbat, lighting candles, kiddush, festivals... you know money isn't everything, Shmulik."

The more she nagged him, the worse Shmulik's conscience bothered him too.

Finally, he'd had enough. He went back to the president of the company and said, "Listen, I can't go on like this, my troubles are eating me up inside, money isn't everything and I can't even sleep at night, my wife neither.

It's too much for me - I was born a Jew and I want to die a Jew. If you want me to quit, I'll go without making a fuss."

The president looked at him in amazement and said, "Listen Samuel [that's what they called him in Utah] I had no idea it was so tough for you, I figured changing religions would be simple thing. You know what, stay working here, stay Jewish as you wish, and I'll take care of the rest."

Shmulik went home with a thrill in his heart and a spring in his step.

He ran to his wife (who was on the couch watching Ricki Lake) and said, "Tzipporah, you won't believe it, a miracle happened, we're going back to being Jews, and it's OK, I talked to my boss and he's letting me keep my job!"

Tzippy (that's what they called her in Brooklyn) looked at him with eyes spitting fire and said "Tell me, ARE YOU NUTS!!!!!!!????!!"

Shmuel looked at her in shock, "But... but I thought that was what you wanted all along, what you were crying to me all along. what? You don't want to go back to being Jewish?"

Tzippy looked even more upset and said "Of course I do - BUT NOW?!?!?! .....

TWO WEEKS BEFORE PESACH?!?!?!?"


"Mollie, how is your grandson, the Proctologist doing?"

"Sadie, my grandson is not a proctologist anymore. He decided to become a dentist."

"A dentist! Why the change?"

"Sadie, let's face it. Everyone starts off with thirty-two teeth but have you ever heard of anybody who has more than one tuchas?"


The dentist told Moishe Goldstein, his rich patient, that he needed a tooth removed right away. He asked, "Do you want a local aesthetic?"

Goldstein shook his head and said, "Let's not pinch pennies, doctor. Get the best. Use imported."


Q. Why is it so important for the groom at a Jewish wedding to stomp on a wine glass?

A. Because it's the last time he'll put his foot down.


"Tessie, did you know that Ethel passed away last week?"

"No, Becky, I didn't. Did her husband, Joe, take it hard?"

"He did, Tessie, but not as hard as Irving, their boarder, who everyone knew was carrying on with Ethel. As a matter of fact, when she died, Irving went to pieces. He couldn't eat and he couldn't sleep. He just sat around the house and moped."

"So what happened?"

"I'll tell you what happened. A few days after the funeral, Joe said to their border, "Stop your worrying. Irving, I'll get married again!"


A group of leading medical researchers have published data indicating that Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses.

It seems that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.


Passover is approaching.

At the sedar table, every Jewish child will be retold the story of Moses and the Pharaoh, and how God brought boils, locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians. Yet in spite of this overwhelming evidence of God's intentions, Pharaoh refused to let the Jews go, until a tenth plague, the death of the first-born children was inflicted on every Egyptian home, passing over the Jewish homes. Only after this tragedy did the Pharaoh relent and let the Jews leave slavery and Egypt to begin their journey to the promised land.

This has been known for generations.

What has not been known is why the Pharaoh, in the face of such overwhelming evidence would refuse to release the Jews after the first nine plagues.

It took eight years of research by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the renowned psychologist and nurse, to find the definitive answer. Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those years studying the Dead Sea Scrolls before discovering the answer. And once found, it was obvious.

The Pharaoh was still in de Nile. (By Stan Kegel)


At our seder, we had whole wheat and bran matzoh, fortified with Metamucil.

The brand name, of course, is... "Let My People Go."


What does the Jewish Superman say?

"Up, up and oy vey!!"


Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"

Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we make love!"

"If I moaned when we made love, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"

So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets.

As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?"

"No, not yet."

Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?"

"No, I'll tell you when"

He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to make love to her.

"Is it time for me to moan, Morris?"

"Wait, I'll tell you when."

Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"

So Sadie goes, "OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!"


You may have heard the old joke about Shirley, the Jewish mother in NYC, who brought her 6 year old boy to the psychoanalyst, who diagnosed: "Nothing much wrong with your son, just a slight Oedipus complex.

Said Shirley the mom... "Oedipus, schmedipus, the important thing is that he loves his mother."


Four Jewish ladies were sitting around Playing Mah-Jong. The first lady says:

"You know girls, I have known you all for such a long time, and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a Kleptomaniac. But don't worry, I have never stolen from any of you and never will. We have been friends for too long."

One of the other ladies says: Well since were having true confessions "I am a Nymphomaniac, but don't worry, I have not hit on any of your husbands, and never will, they don't interest me. We have been friends for too long."

Well, says the third lady, "I too must confess. The reason I never married is that I am a Lesbian, but don't worry. I will never hit on any of you.

We have been friends for too long, and I don't want to ruin our friendship."

The fourth lady stands up and says: "I have a confession to make also... I am a Yenta so please excuse me, I have a lot of calls to make......"


There was a rather talented jazz trumpeter who had an old, respectable Jewish uncle. The elder gentleman was very strait-laced and orthodox, and quite adept in the honing of ceremonial ram's horns. He also appreciated and admired his nephew's musical skill, although he did not think it proper for a man of his position to admit such.

Of course, part of the process of finishing the horns is to sound them, to ensure they have been thoroughly hollowed and have the required resonance. However, the uncle's advancing age had rendered him frequently short of breath, and unable to muster the exhalation strength necessary to test the horns. He therefore requested that his nephew pay him a visit to help him complete his work.

The nephew dutifully attended his uncle's invitation, and set to the task before him with some vigour. His uncle was apparently satisfied with their progress, but the nephew soon became a bit restless and began puckishly scatting on the horns. This earned him a quizzical but not disapproving look from the old man. Unabashed, the nephew gamely asked, "So, what do you think of that, dear uncle?"

With a glint and a suppressed grin, his uncle replied, "Shofar, so good, my boy." (By Phil Shaw)


Question: "What time is it?"

English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."

Hebonic answer: "What am I, a clock?"

Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."

English response: "Thanks."

Hebonic response: "I should BE so lucky!"

Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."

English response: "Be right there."

Hebonic response: "All right already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"

Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time."

English response: "Glad you like it."

Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?

Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."

English response: "Congratulations!"

Hebonic response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."

Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"

English answer: "Just say when."

Hebonic answer: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy To guest of honour at his birthday party:

English remark: "Happy birthday."

Hebonic remark: "A year smarter you should become."

Remark: "A beautiful day."

English response: "Sure is."

Hebonic response: "So the sun is out...what else is new?"

Answering a phone call from son:

English remark: "It's been a long time since you called."

Hebonic remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"


Given an all-expenses paid vacation to Hawaii by his congregation for his 25 years service at the temple, the widowed rabbi arrives at his hotel room, and finds a beautiful and naked young woman lying on his bed.

Enraged, the rabbi calls the congregation's president, and shouts, "How could you offer such an insult to me, a man of God? I've never been so offended in my life!" The rabbi then slams the phone down.

The young woman begins to put on her clothes, and the rabbi says, "Where are you going? I'm not mad with you!"


There once was an proud Irishman named Pat, who went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter asked, "Who are you?"

Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade."

St. Peter said to Pat: "Yes, this is true! Here's a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button here, will play 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' Enjoy it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven."

Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and heads out with a smile on his face and a song in his heart.

He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around.

But on the third day, he's driving down Expressway H-1 with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a Jewish man in a pink and white two-tone cloud with tail fins roars past him.

And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music.

Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway and charges back to the Pearly Gates.

He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat, I'm a proud Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St.

Patrick's Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song, 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' But, there's a Jew over there.

He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!"

St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer.

Then he says: "Pat, shush! He's the Boss's Son!"


What is an expensive Jewish wine?

"I want to go to Flaaaahridaah for the wintah."


One afternoon, Rachel is visited by Shloim, a good friend of the family.

"Rachel," Shloim longingly looks at her, "you know that I loved you before you married Itzic!"

"Is it my fault that he was smarter than you?" she replied.

"You're right. But, I don't want to die having never made love to you!"

"To make love to your best friend's wife?! Shame on you, Shloim!"

"Forget the shame.... If you sleep with me, I will give you 100."

"That I should be unfaithful to Itzic?"

"200!"

"What am I? Meshuggeneh?"

"500!"

"Did you say... 500?"

"Yes!"

"Ok, let's do it, but *now*, before Itzic gets back!"

Later that evening, as Rachel and Itzic are watching TV, Itzic asks her if Shloim had popped in that afternoon.

Feeling a bit worried, Rachel says, "Why do you ask? Actually, yes he did pop in."

"Did he give you 500?" Itzic asks.

Now scared out of her wits, Rachel says, "Yes."

"Such a good friend, isn't he?! I had lent him 500 yesterday and he promised to pop in this afternoon to pay me back!"




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